Miscarriage Mourned

The past few weeks have been pretty stressful. Mainly my work environment is falling apart and all that is being offered by the powers that be are empty promises. So I've been looking for a job, or at the very least seeing what options I have.

In general, I don't handle stress very well. So picture a woman who has spent the day doing crowd control for 6, 7, and 8 year olds, repeating the same lesson 5-6 times a day, and parenting approximately 110+ children. Then that same woman comes home to messages like: "Hey so glad to see you aren't pregnant! :-)" and "Heard you miscarried, but don't worry you'll have 6 football teams in no time!" These comments should seem harmless, but instead I find them waking me up at odd hours, cutting my heart, reminding me of how much I have lost.

Perhaps I am more sensitive to these sorts of comments since I am also reading a book called An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. It is the author's memoir on birthing a stillborn boy they named Pudding and all the emotions, the grief, and the rebuilding afterwards. Unfortunately, I know too many close friends and family that have endured this form of suffering. However, McCracken's words have a way of identifying with me too. I'll never understand what it is like to lose a child at full-term.

However, when McCracken writes about the pain of the hope lost, and standing among shattered dreams, I can relate. When she says that the worst part were those who ignored the fact that the baby had been... I get it. Comments like, "You'll be pregnant again." or "It happens to a lot of women" feel like a denial that I ever was pregnant, that my first baby wasn't real, didn't exist, shouldn't be remembered. It's not that I'm hyper-sensitive to babies or pregnant women either. Their child is not the child I lost. In general, I don't even mind gushing at baby photos. Neither do I want to avoid speaking about what happened. There is a part of me that wants people to know, not so I receive pity, but so they see how hurting people still go on, as a testimony of how Gracious God really is.

Sadly, McCracken denies herself the healing power God could/would grant her.

Maybe these comments and words hurt more now because I am finally processing through what has happened. Yeah, I know it's nearly 3 months after the fact. But my adrenaline has finally stopped pumping through my system. And like most fans of literature a book that helps place into words the jumble of feelings you have but can't express really does aid the grieving process.

I'm not generally one to give unsoliciated advice, however, I'd hate for you, reader, to inflict on another the pain that supposed 'friends' have given me.
Never ask if someone is trying to be pregnant or if they are pregnant...even in a joking manner. If you know someone was pregnant or miscarried, say you are sorry and leave it at that. Don't try to "make it better" or offer false hope. Listen. If you really are a friend, you'll be patient enough to allow the couple space and to mourn in their own way even if it is later than you expected.

This post is longer than intended, but I needed to purge.

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