The Fight

If the past nearly 4 years of my life have taught me anything it is that what we expect is rarely what occurs. Petunia's birthday was such a happy day for me. I relished the sun, warmth, and love of friends and family near and far. Then Saturday--WHAM! All day my heart fought against bitterness, anger, and jealousy. The tears spilled. I recoiled from others and secluded myself for the rest of the weekend. My conversation with God went like this:

God: Trust me.
Me: What do you think I've been trying to do these past 9 months? These past 4 years? I'm tired of all the big milestones being depressing and sad, not joyful and happy! My emotions are worn out. When are you going to bring us something good? When will I feel happiness rather than constant trepidation about every aspect of life?
God: Be patient.
Me: I know it's a weakness of mine, but I'm making progress. Can't we move on to a new lesson and pick this one up later?
God: "Ask and it will be given to you...For everyone who asks receives... Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 7:7-11 & 21:22.
Remember Hannah, Sarah, Rebekah, Elizabeth. Pray like them. Ask me for a child.

From the start, David and I have tried to find a balance between seeking all answers from medicine and waiting on the Lord. We are both well aware that "waiting" doesn't mean to do nothing, but we haven't (I think I felt a little too pushy) directly and consistently been asking God for a child. Now we are. I believe that He wants to bless us in this way whether it is through natural childbirth or adoption. Regardless of the how, it's time for us to ask specifically for a child to be given to us.

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