Struggles

I have always tried to be as honest as possible on this blog. So friends here is the truth: I'm terrified.

I'm not scared of labor or being a mother or caring for this baby. I'm sure I'll have my moments, but that is not where my fears are stemming. Among women who have had multiple miscarriages and infant loss, there is a return fear of losing the baby at full term. I've watched other moms struggle through this and now I'm in their shoes. Just as David and I lived on pins and needles at the start of this pregnancy those same anxious thoughts have returned.

Furthermore, our hearts are aching with acquaintances who recently lost their 11 day old son. It's hard to stay hopeful for a happy event when you are more familiar with pain and are continually reminded that nothing is ever certain.

While conversing with my dear friend L, I had to ask myself, "So what are you, God, doing in this situation? Why do I struggle with accepting joy?" L said it far more eloquently than I can - My grief has become part of my identity and I don't want to lose that part of me. All of the pain, all of the struggle, all of the lessons learned and time spent weeping at His feet have become so familiar, comfortable, that I fear giving up that portion for... happiness.

Is there depth in happiness? Despite not understanding joy, I believe there is a new lesson to be learned through His blessings. For I, in my humanness, have determined I have no right to claim anything but His faithfulness through the desert. It has been more than enough to carry Sweet Potato to 39 weeks. How can I possibly expect or accept more blessing than that? Can I trust Him to fulfill His promises? Can I surrender to His blessings--even if they are hard for me to grasp? Once again my heart turns to the Psalms.

"When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter, 
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
'The Lord has done great things for them.'

The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him."

Psalm 126

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