Exposure

Lately I've been feeling a host of unpleasantness. Before I go any further, I need to be clear: No one has actually done or said anything (recently) to which I attribute this sullenness. It has also been a good thing as it's forced me to examine some areas of my life that need periodic straightening.

It's a good thing God doesn't have a minute limit on His prayer plan because my bill would be astronomical! My consistent request is for a kindred spirit. Six months into this motherhood adventure and I feel isolated, worn out, irritable, terribly alone, and frankly misunderstood. My priorities and heart longings feel like they clash with others around me. I feel like an outsider, except I'm unwilling to change. Now I do have a stubborn streak, but this isn't about that--at least not entirely.

I lead, by choice, what I consider a simple life. David and I have purposefully chosen not to allow certain things into our lives in order that we might have peace. Example, when we were first married we couldn't afford cable. Now that we can, we choose not to so that we aren't tempted to waste time watching copious amounts of TV, we have less to worry about when it comes to monitoring content, and the money that would have gone to that expense can be put toward other longer lasting experiences. Please do not misunderstand me. Our decisions to refrain from various "necessities" is not an attempt to be holier then thou. It is a personal decision that we have made partly out of how God wired us (i.e. money savers) and partly due to His gentle guiding.

We also choose to do things and participate in various groups for those same reasons. However, sometimes those choices make me feel less than worthy among my peers. I feel silly being an adult and dealing with feeling inadequate uncool other. Nonetheless I do.

One friend commented that I'm an old soul. I do prefer doing things in a slightly more antiquated way and if you've ever been to my home you'll see family antiques in every room. They aren't just hand-me-downs, they help tell and remind me of the rich heritage I possess. I'm proud of those pieces. I enjoy canning (even though it's a lot of work) and making my own cleaning supplies--not just because it's healthy for my family and easy on the wallet, but because they bring me joy. I think my daughter is better off playing with kitchen utensils and paper towel tubes than anything ToysRUs can market. I'm not a lover of stuff. Status makes me nauseous. And I confess I have little patience for people who find those items as comforting.

Sadly, I feel or sense that I am in the minority among my fellow young moms. Which might explain why I gravitate to friendships with older women. I desire a friend who knows that this homemaking isn't about showing-off, but about pushing the limits of creativity and capability. Someone close to my age and stage of life who gets and practices this type of mothering without aspiring to be the next Duggar Family. Oh, one more condition, I'd like this individual to live nearby. Several dear and wonderful women who will read this post might resonate but why do you all live out of state?

Those are my raw ends folks. These are my thoughts surrendered. Please treat them with care.

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