Exposure

Lately I've been feeling a host of unpleasantness. Before I go any further, I need to be clear: No one has actually done or said anything (recently) to which I attribute this sullenness. It has also been a good thing as it's forced me to examine some areas of my life that need periodic straightening.

It's a good thing God doesn't have a minute limit on His prayer plan because my bill would be astronomical! My consistent request is for a kindred spirit. Six months into this motherhood adventure and I feel isolated, worn out, irritable, terribly alone, and frankly misunderstood. My priorities and heart longings feel like they clash with others around me. I feel like an outsider, except I'm unwilling to change. Now I do have a stubborn streak, but this isn't about that--at least not entirely.

I lead, by choice, what I consider a simple life. David and I have purposefully chosen not to allow certain things into our lives in order that we might have peace. Example, when we were first married we couldn't afford cable. Now that we can, we choose not to so that we aren't tempted to waste time watching copious amounts of TV, we have less to worry about when it comes to monitoring content, and the money that would have gone to that expense can be put toward other longer lasting experiences. Please do not misunderstand me. Our decisions to refrain from various "necessities" is not an attempt to be holier then thou. It is a personal decision that we have made partly out of how God wired us (i.e. money savers) and partly due to His gentle guiding.

We also choose to do things and participate in various groups for those same reasons. However, sometimes those choices make me feel less than worthy among my peers. I feel silly being an adult and dealing with feeling inadequate uncool other. Nonetheless I do.

One friend commented that I'm an old soul. I do prefer doing things in a slightly more antiquated way and if you've ever been to my home you'll see family antiques in every room. They aren't just hand-me-downs, they help tell and remind me of the rich heritage I possess. I'm proud of those pieces. I enjoy canning (even though it's a lot of work) and making my own cleaning supplies--not just because it's healthy for my family and easy on the wallet, but because they bring me joy. I think my daughter is better off playing with kitchen utensils and paper towel tubes than anything ToysRUs can market. I'm not a lover of stuff. Status makes me nauseous. And I confess I have little patience for people who find those items as comforting.

Sadly, I feel or sense that I am in the minority among my fellow young moms. Which might explain why I gravitate to friendships with older women. I desire a friend who knows that this homemaking isn't about showing-off, but about pushing the limits of creativity and capability. Someone close to my age and stage of life who gets and practices this type of mothering without aspiring to be the next Duggar Family. Oh, one more condition, I'd like this individual to live nearby. Several dear and wonderful women who will read this post might resonate but why do you all live out of state?

Those are my raw ends folks. These are my thoughts surrendered. Please treat them with care.

Comments

  1. i get this. and i will be praying for that nearby kindred spirit!

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  2. ummm...I wish I was a mom. ;)

    I know that you and I are different in many ways (one being that I'm a total dunce when it comes to crafts, homemade cleaning materials and the like). But in many ways, I envy you. I wish I WAS better at those things. And, although you may not think it, the Duggers are a family I wouldn't mind modeling after! I want to TRAIN my children, teach them catechism, have family schedules and rituals, eat whole, real, healthy foods and help my children not be as much of a dunce as their mother.

    I hear what you're saying. I've often wished I lived closer to Marcus and Chandra so I could learn from them.

    I'm glad you're my friend. I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. Let's talk more in depth about this soon.

    I love you.

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  3. I love this post and I love your heart! You put into words the emotions I think almost all of us moms feel some seasons of motherhood. (Your post reminded me of this one my friend Jen posted last week: http://theyoungmanfamily.blogspot.com/2011/02/31.html) I definitely get what you're saying, it's hard to find camaraderie, especially when your life-style decisions go against the cultural flow. We've been there. I'll be praying that you find women to come around you, both older women with years of experience, and those walking nearby on the path of parenting and that you're filled with joy on your journey. Though the distance between us is far, I'm glad to be living in a time when technology can at least shrink the miles. Hang in there, Tabitha is truly blessed to have you as her mom. :) ((Hugs))

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  4. Definitely not alone in that feeling.

    "They say I'm old fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast" - the lorax

    This is one of my favorite quotes (and totally appropriate for this week!) and pretty much sums up how I feel about the world some days. There is a lot to be said about wanting to live a simple life.

    Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Thanks for the encouragement friends.

    Rebecca- I've actually got a care package in the works to send you. I'll be in touch soon.

    Gretch- You aren't a dunce. We just spend our time differently. And yes, you + me + food = soon!

    Liz- I think I need to take a vacation to Madison. I've got a thousand questions from mothering to churching to financing to ask you. Seriously, do you think we could arrange a meet up at that pizza place... I'm so hungry for food and fellowship!

    Jules- Love the Dr. Suess quote. Great reminder!

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  6. If you ever get the time to head this direction we would LOVE to have you guys! :)
    Food and fellowship sounds wonderful...even if the face to face opportunities are few and far between.

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  7. Darlin, I just read this. I know it's a month later and you've probably moved on in some ways and found some buddies (I hope), but I wonder if you and I can't strike up our ol' Mechanicsburg down-the-street thing again. I mean, I have cable instead of a kid, but I do have the summer off, and I do live down the street, and I always lose my mind from loneliness over the summer, even though I have lots of chores and things to do. I was going to try to get a job this summer just so I could have company, but if it's okay with you I'll just not get a job and we can hang out instead. I'd love to have a friend with whom I can work on my chores and help support each other or even do them together (!) instead of trying to be perfect in public and nuts at home. I'll come visit you soon, and let's talk! :) I love you! I'm so thankful for you and that God brought us back together again this weekend!

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