Words and thoughts have been sparse here lately. I'm thinking, but the days seem to fly with two kids and the routine that makes our life hum. However, I've been turning over the idea of commitments and the consequences of our choices. This is largely due to the fact that we're working very hard to teach Sweet Potato to understand that while we have choices in this world some lead to blessings and others lead to sorrow.

Aside from the obvious parenting stage, a couple recent conversations and this blog post have had my brain playing with a rubric cube of thoughts. Allow me to relate one of the conversations for background purposes.
I was at a community garage sale. Another young mom who knows my parents approached me and asked how I was doing and if I was involved in a women's bible study or MOPs group. When I replied "no" she stated how she was really involved this year in both. She asked if Sweet Potato was going to preschool and I shared about homeschooling. She followed up my statement with how her son, whom she too had preschool home schooled, is now in all-day kindergarten and bored. Before I could say anything, the veil dropped (and I tried to keep from looking like a codfish).   She shared how torn she is about his education and really deep down feels he should be at home with her. But admitted that she is scared to take that step and with all her responsibilities in these mom/women groups she doesn't know how she'd do it. She continued saying how she keeps feeling God tug at her to spend more time in prayer, yet her commitments prevent that. I listened. I tried to encourage her to claim her spare seconds for prayer and to follow her heart, but ultimately our conversation ended with her rushing off to attend to one of the many items on her overcommitted to do list. I left with a broken heart and a frustrated mind.
Can someone, perhaps one of you, please tell me why? Why do we as women ignore our passions, our heart's desires, the very talent God has blessed us with so we can please others? Rachel poured her heart out to me a stranger. In a ten minute conversation I knew what her true desires were, yet she can't commit to the very things that will bring her the most joy. Ultimately the most frustrating aspect is that Rachel is so rich. Women this world over would envy her position of wealth and resource. She doesn't need to provide for her family's necessities. She gets to choose "do I homeschool my son or plan mom get-togethers with my friends?" She can kneel at any time during the day and pray without fear of persecution. Yet she doesn't see herself as being in such a fortunate position. She sees herself as being committed. Committed to church. Committed to friends. Committed to organizations.

What about being committed to your self? Your passions? The tugging of your heart? What about being committed to your children? To providing for them even if it's outside your comfort zone? What about being so committed to your faith you say "no" to faith-based things so your relationship with God has space and time and grace to grow?

But to ask such questions I really need to turn the spotlight on me.

What am I committed to? Are those commitments reflections of my heart's desire? Or am I committed because I always have done x...y...z?  Because it's a good cause? Because it's what "moms/sisters/women" do? Because I'm scared to walk the path less taken? Because I'm too prideful to change or dream or question? Because I'm being Jonah and ignoring God's real call on my life/time/faith/family?

I know this: I am committed to God and His work in my life and my family. When I commit to anything I say "yes" here and "no" there. It's the adult version of the lesson Sweet Potato is learning. I am fully aware that I have some horizon decisions that require dedicated time before answering. Yet I feel so completely blessed that I can deliberate and weigh and truly choose.

Choice. That's such a loaded word. In this context, it's also such a first world "problem".

Are you walking upright and confidently in the choices and commitments before you?

God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.
~ Jim Elliot


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