Surrendered.


Not too long ago, I posted on Instagram "May 2018 continue our dependence on Him..." Well, God isn't wasting anytime increasing our dependence. I had a lovely [long] post updating whoever reads this little blip about our 2017 and updates on our family. Here is what I had written for our youngest.

Pickle will transition to full-time Kindergarten curriculum come January. This also means we'll officially commence reading instruction. She is so eager. She also has amazingly beautiful handwriting. Her favorite past-time is playing with Sweet Potato and imagining stories for her stuffed animals, Legos, and dolls. She continues to have mysterious fevers with seizures. After a particularly scary incident in July, we were seen by pediatric specialists in Infectious Disease and Neurology. Pickle underwent, a blood draw, EEG and a MRI and thankfully they confirmed her brain is normal- no seizure disorder. The outcome is she likely has a reasonably rare fever disorder, one she hopefully will outgrow by age 11-12. No one wants to actually diagnose her but there are heavy suspicions she has PFAPA w/ febrile seizures. We are thankful her episodes seem to be responding to a concoction of herbal remedies, homeopathic treatments and ibuprofen, but realize that nothing conventional or unconventional will cure her. It's a waiting game that keeps us humble and prayerful for her complete healing.

We ended 2017 at peace. Yes, the mystery of her fevers remained a mystery, but we felt confident in how to handle them and at peace with her health. After all, she is a healthy, growing child.

Seven days into this new year and that self-confidence has evaporated. I drove this morning to the hospital, tears streaming and whisper prayers tumbling out of chapped lips. Caroline and David were several minutes ahead of me in an ambulance. At about 6:55 this morning she started a seizure that continued for 30 minutes. It was out of the blue, no fever associated. Currently, she is chipper and back to herself. There will be a follow-up appointment this week.

Aside from being physically exhausted, I am empty. I cannot solve this issue for my daughter. I cannot get to the bottom of it. Medicine might not be able to either. Since I have nothing left to offer, I kneel before my God, the one who created her body, who intimately understands what she needs and say, "I surrender, Lord. She is yours. She has been from the beginning. Help me to trust in the unknown. Help me to walk by faith and not by sight."

What will be required of us? What will Caroline endure in the coming weeks? We cannot fathom. We aren't even trying. All plans are on hold. BUT my heart is at peace. I know it sounds bizarre- especially when the adrenaline of the morning has left me with a monster headache, but blessed assurance Jesus is mine!

We are blessed to have my family nearby and their care of us is indescribable. We have the most awesome neighbors in the world! Seth and Katie, thank you for taking Tabitha and being available even at 7:30 am on a frigid Sunday morning for a tearful hug. Patty and Bill, Benny and Mary, thank you for offering to take Tabitha. To those who work at HMC and saw we were in the ED, thank you for doing your jobs and taking the time to let us know we could call on you. It means the world to know we aren't alone. To our GracePoint family, we love you. To those of you who have reached out from near and far, THANK YOU! Caroline has loved getting pictures and words of love from her friends. Your prayers, your offers to help, your presence has been a physical representation of the Body of Christ. We are grateful and we covet your continued prayers for wisdom and discernment as we walk this seemingly uncharted road.

"Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."
~Fanny Crosby, verse 3 Blessed Assurance 

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